Is it about Control?

I'm wondering today. Trying to understand what young girls really want, or think they want. Is it that they want to be completely taken care of by whomever volunteers? Or is it that they want more control in their lives and just don't understand the responsibility that comes with it?

I am baffled by the new meaning of PAM. It use to be a cooking spray that kept eggs from sticking. Not anymore. Now it stands for Pro Ana Mia, which translates to Pro- Anorexia, Bulimia. This movement is portraying these extremely fatal illnesses as a lifestyle not a disease. Are you kidding me?

This is why I ask the control question. During my adolescence, my best friend suffered from Bulimia. I wouldn't be surprised if she continued her battle today. She came to live with us at 17 when she could no longer live with either of her parents. I, of course, was completely on her side considering her parents unworthy and incapable of handling the tough stuff. It never occurred to me what my friend or her parents were really going through.

As an adult, I witnessed a family member face the disease with one of his daughters. I saw a father who was so lost, so distraught over the fact that he could not fix whatever was wrong. I saw a kid who was in control for the first time in her life (or so she thought). She had her parents, her sister and a barrage of health care professionals all under her thumb. All she had to do was eat or not eat. Of course the disease took over control and she spent many months in a hospital. She has recovered, her family has recovered, but the question is still poking at me. Why?

Is it our completely messed up view of beauty? And if we go down that road, the one that blames society, Hollywood, the Fashion industry etc, what does that say? If young women believe that's what it takes to land "Mr Right", then what?

Even if it were true, (and of course it's not or we'd be extinct) the implication is that these women only deserve a man that wants a decoration for his arm. Someone he can control. Control. There's that word again. Pro Ana Mia seems to be all about control, yet the paradox is that these girls have lost control of their whole world.

The biological reality is that men tend to be attracted to women who appear to be breedable. Men are wired in nature to propagate the species. They are likely to want mates that can help them fulfill their purpose. Women whose pelvic bones would likely break during childbirth, (assuming they could even become pregnant, which is unlikely) are not candidates for breeding. In nature, it is the male's job to breed and the female's job to choose a strong male to protect her and her young as she raises them.

The men Don't do the choosing. We do. That's right. It's up to women to choose a good mate. It's up to women to find strong, successful men who are likely to be able to support and protect a family. Choosing losers creates a new generation of losers.

What our young ladies need to be taught is NOT how to puke themselves into size 0, but indeed how to stand on their own, unassisted by men. Self-sufficient until someone comes along who truly qualifies to be her mate, and only then if she is interested in having one.

Our daughters need the skills to live on their own. They need the confidence that only comes from independence. They need to know exactly how to kick the ever-loving crap out of anyone who threatens them. If they never raise a fist (gun, pepper spray, etc...) but have the knowledge and confidence from proper training, they will not attract predators.

Confident young women, who are busy with their own lives, content and somewhat disinterested in relationships, are attractive to successful men.

That kind of beauty is the kind that can change the world.

What kind of input do the young women in your life have? Are they more interested in romance novels, chick flicks and the latest diet and fashions? Or are they interested in learning about what really makes them tick? What kind of music does she like? What are the messages from TV, Friends, School? What about from you?

If your life is controlled by anything or anyone other than you, that is what you are teaching her.

My challenge for you today is to take a look, an honest look at yourself, your daughter, her friends and her interests. Then ask her about them. Ask for her thoughts. Don't judge, just listen.

Please write me with your thoughts and comments.

Be well and prosperous.

Heather Olson