wisdomforliving: LIVE LIKE YOU ARE DYING

wisdomforliving: LIVE LIKE YOU ARE DYING

You Are Getting Exactly What You Are Looking For

Sitting in church this morning, I was struck by something the pastor said. He was comparing what he felt many churches focus their energy on to what he preaches and why he does. He said, "If we focus on how bad, wretched and sinful people are, what are you going to get more of?"

This is a sentiment I share in many ways. I tell the young women that I work with, "You are getting exactly what you are looking for." Our culture has somehow determined that when you are at work you should complain about home and when you are at home, you should complain about work. We look for the bad and find it every time. No wonder.

When we inspect someone's work, are we only looking for what they missed or did wrong? When your daughter sweeps the floor, do you find the one spot she missed? What are you looking for?

What about in your own life? Are you looking for prosperity or how bad life is. Do you talk about how hopeless things look or what possibilities are out there? Consider quietly and privately what you say to yourself and others. Consider what you seek in your thoughts and actions.

How do you speak about yourself? To yourself? To others about you? How do you respond to compliments? Could you handle being the center of applause? Do you deserve it? Only you can say "Yes".

Practice looking for what you really want. Take small steps. Congratulate yourself and others on partial successes. Catch your kids doing something right. It feels great and they tend to respond with more good choices.

Sometimes, almost right is perfect. Accept the blessing when you find a perfect parking spot or are offered a compliment. Say "Thank you". Say Thank you to God.

I wish you a blessed day and a prosperous week.

Heather Olson

Victim or Volunteer?

I was thinking about different ways to achieve my goal of reaching 1 Million Young Women in 2008. I started looking at different groups that work with young people. Again I am haunted by the overwhelming attention to victimhood. I may not be very popular in the Self-Help arena or the various groups set up for battered women because I strongly believe that the only person that stop people from hurting you IS YOU.

I love what Naomi Judd said: "I consider a turning point as that moment in which we make a conscious decision to expand or contract. We only get to be a victim once, and after that we're a volunteer."

So I'm often asked "How am I suppose to choose anything better? I have these kids to take care of on my own, I have no skills, etc..." I tell them first that if they continue to argue for their limitations, they get to keep them. The answer is first to choose something better. Stop making excuses. If you don't have a job or a way to take care of your children while you work, you will need to start looking for ways to earn a living from home or find an organization dedicated to helping young mothers that want to change their lives. The other obvious thing is to stop having children. This isn't the time to bring more babies into your life.

Young women often become pregnant not because they are unaware of the risks of unprotected sex, but the opposite. They think this loser is going to take care of them. I refer you to my previous post.

Take a trip to the local library. If you have children, take them to the children's area for some reading and puzzles etc. Jump on the computer there and search for organizations helping young people with the challenges you face.

Learn some skills. Read up while you are there. What really trips your trigger? What interests did you have before you felt out of control? Start with an idea, then let it grow. It will likely change many times before you land on something that you are truly called to.

Stay away from influences in your life that seem too good to be true. Stay away from friends that use drugs. Stay away from boys and sex. Clean yourself up. Clean your space up. Prove to yourself that you deserve good things. Don't go out and spend a bunch of money, just look around you. Does what you see belong in your new life?

Pick a role model. Someone you admire. Someone you respect. Stay away from the hot models, the rock stars with floss for clothes, and anyone who uses drugs. Pick someone who speaks clearly without using slang. Someone who dresses professionally or modestly. Someone with stated goals.

Now, compare your room/apartment with where your role model lives. Would you feel comfortable inviting that person to your space? If not, clean it up. How are you dressed? Would they wear what you are wearing? If not, change your clothes. For tips on shopping at thrift stores to save money and look fantastic, see my next blog.

Take control now. Make a choice to give up your habit of being a victim. Don't allow anything to happen "to" you anymore. Nothing can without your permission.

Be Well and Make a Great Life.
Heather Olson

Is it about Control?

I'm wondering today. Trying to understand what young girls really want, or think they want. Is it that they want to be completely taken care of by whomever volunteers? Or is it that they want more control in their lives and just don't understand the responsibility that comes with it?

I am baffled by the new meaning of PAM. It use to be a cooking spray that kept eggs from sticking. Not anymore. Now it stands for Pro Ana Mia, which translates to Pro- Anorexia, Bulimia. This movement is portraying these extremely fatal illnesses as a lifestyle not a disease. Are you kidding me?

This is why I ask the control question. During my adolescence, my best friend suffered from Bulimia. I wouldn't be surprised if she continued her battle today. She came to live with us at 17 when she could no longer live with either of her parents. I, of course, was completely on her side considering her parents unworthy and incapable of handling the tough stuff. It never occurred to me what my friend or her parents were really going through.

As an adult, I witnessed a family member face the disease with one of his daughters. I saw a father who was so lost, so distraught over the fact that he could not fix whatever was wrong. I saw a kid who was in control for the first time in her life (or so she thought). She had her parents, her sister and a barrage of health care professionals all under her thumb. All she had to do was eat or not eat. Of course the disease took over control and she spent many months in a hospital. She has recovered, her family has recovered, but the question is still poking at me. Why?

Is it our completely messed up view of beauty? And if we go down that road, the one that blames society, Hollywood, the Fashion industry etc, what does that say? If young women believe that's what it takes to land "Mr Right", then what?

Even if it were true, (and of course it's not or we'd be extinct) the implication is that these women only deserve a man that wants a decoration for his arm. Someone he can control. Control. There's that word again. Pro Ana Mia seems to be all about control, yet the paradox is that these girls have lost control of their whole world.

The biological reality is that men tend to be attracted to women who appear to be breedable. Men are wired in nature to propagate the species. They are likely to want mates that can help them fulfill their purpose. Women whose pelvic bones would likely break during childbirth, (assuming they could even become pregnant, which is unlikely) are not candidates for breeding. In nature, it is the male's job to breed and the female's job to choose a strong male to protect her and her young as she raises them.

The men Don't do the choosing. We do. That's right. It's up to women to choose a good mate. It's up to women to find strong, successful men who are likely to be able to support and protect a family. Choosing losers creates a new generation of losers.

What our young ladies need to be taught is NOT how to puke themselves into size 0, but indeed how to stand on their own, unassisted by men. Self-sufficient until someone comes along who truly qualifies to be her mate, and only then if she is interested in having one.

Our daughters need the skills to live on their own. They need the confidence that only comes from independence. They need to know exactly how to kick the ever-loving crap out of anyone who threatens them. If they never raise a fist (gun, pepper spray, etc...) but have the knowledge and confidence from proper training, they will not attract predators.

Confident young women, who are busy with their own lives, content and somewhat disinterested in relationships, are attractive to successful men.

That kind of beauty is the kind that can change the world.

What kind of input do the young women in your life have? Are they more interested in romance novels, chick flicks and the latest diet and fashions? Or are they interested in learning about what really makes them tick? What kind of music does she like? What are the messages from TV, Friends, School? What about from you?

If your life is controlled by anything or anyone other than you, that is what you are teaching her.

My challenge for you today is to take a look, an honest look at yourself, your daughter, her friends and her interests. Then ask her about them. Ask for her thoughts. Don't judge, just listen.

Please write me with your thoughts and comments.

Be well and prosperous.

Heather Olson

Is Happiness What You Expect?

Hello Everyone. Happy Easter and Spring Solstice to you.

Today I have a guest writer. George Abney is one of our blog readers and he offers his thoughts here.

George, thank you so much for your thoughts and your willingness to share them with us.

Heather Olson
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Is Happiness What You Expect?

Expect little or nothing and you get... nothing. Expect everything or a lot and you get... it , maybe. An old jewish rube is "betta some than none." Some agree that happiness in any quanity is worth crowing about.

What is it that qualifies happiness?

Qualifications are the proof in the pudding that its really pudding instead of a mudpie. Often, people flail against circumstances that contain requirements at odds with the expectation of happiness.

For example, the romantic girl of any age who compulsively spends every dime on another gothic romance identical to the thousand she has already read but for the names of the characters and the clothing they may wear is happy every time she buys another gothic clone.

Happiness for this logo-lover rests between the covers of a book fully entrenched in a fantasy world that rarely takes the substance of a healthy diet, exercise and rapid therapy at a community mental health clinic. Another example of a distorted expectation of happiness is the lust of a father who dotes on his children as the means of securing yet another sports trophy in the home grove of idols.

This kind of person murders family relationships by using people for personal egoism and he uses love and approval as the hold-out in the emotional hold-up. Beware of the loving individual most willing to make you a sacrifice to their god.

Expectations are important. Reading and writing are also important. Its important to know that rational thinking is a SKILL no one is born with. It takes honesty and a tolerance for humility to engage the self discipline by which one learns constructive reasoning. Lots of dialog with other intelligent people is a start... along with the ability to endure the give and take in the exchange of opposing ideas and viewpoints.

A good argument is one that leaves everyone with something more than what they started with after the papers settle and the physical energy abates. The balance between feeling and thought compels growth in the person who wants to KNOW EXACTLY what to expect of happiness in the contest of life. Its just not the same for everyone and there is a specific reason WHY. Understanding the "Why" can enable a person as a coach of others in their quest for happiness. The Apostle Paul made the

remark that... "I have known both riches and poverty, but in all things I have learned to be content. Godliness with contentment is great gain."

If your life seems a little on the shy side of happiness, perhaps you need to consider the details in your expectations. Adjustments in these metrics can give you the power to move beyond the limitations you face toward a QUALITY lifestyle produced by deliberate choice and specific actions.

I like the radio program "Prairie Home Companion" that hales from Minnesota. The sign off remark of the host is ... "Be well. Do good work. Be happy." Happiness really is a choice.

Don't live life waiting on someone else to give it to you. Go get it for yourself. You are worth it.

George Abney

Put First Things First

Wow, and to think I planned to do this every couple of days! Guess it's a bit more than I thought.

I'm 42 years old and still faced daily with time management issues. I was raised with a mother that was born with that special gene. You know, the one that when you look at something it runs into it's place. The one that makes all organization look easy and even automatic. Her home is always clean, her laundry always under control. Dishes always done and all seemingly effortless. I still wonder how I was born without the actual gene, but with the desire for all things to be "just so".

Simple systems make managing anything easier. Time management systems are available on every bookstore shelf. I've tested several. I've purchased several.

Systems are worthless unless you use them. Mom washed underwear on Mondays, sheets on Tuesdays, etc. That system kept the laundry under control. I've tried that system and when I do it, it works. When I don't, it doesn't. Weird...

Well, I put some time into creating a time management system that meant something. I've seen several that meant something to me. I needed something that meant something to young women, to me, to my kids, to anyone. It had to be easy to use. I looked at many. Some worked for me, but not for others that I asked.

I took the best parts of each of them and put them together. The system is included in the book that's coming out this summer.

The point is to determine what is most important to you. Set meaningful goals for that outcome and schedule them first.

What tends to happen in our daily lives is we push aside the most important parts and schedule trivial tasks first. Eventually the most valued people in our lives begin to feel pushed away and reasonably so. The most important relationships become fragile and often broken.

Time with our children, spouses, parents, friends all of the biggies, get set aside to work a few more hours to pay for the big car or big house or extra cell phone lines.

What it all comes down to is bad habits. We are in the habit of believing that the house/car/etc are what's important. We don't value experiences anymore, we value stuff. We don't play games at the table after dinner, we watch cable. Can you imagine life without your TV?

Erik and I have been talking about turning off the cable. Ouch. I can come up with some really great excuses. All of them good ones, but none of them are good enough. None of them are more important than the precious time with our kids and each other. Sure the kids will be mad. But that will fade. If we force ourselves to address what's really important to us, we'll achieve what we are set out to achieve. Put First Things First.

If a strong relationship with my 10 yr old is important to me (and it is) then he must feel that he can talk to me now. If he has to wait until the commercial, then what happens when he needs to talk to me about drugs or sex or any of a number of things I haven't even thought of yet?

We are going to turn off our TVs and turn on our family. It's a start. A good start.

God Bless.

Heather Olson

I'll Be Happy When...

"May there be peace within you today.

May you trust God that you are

exactly where you are meant to be."
Anonymous

Have you ever noticed yourself saying "I'll be happy when..."? Perhaps when you get into that new house? Or when you get a new car? Perhaps when you lose weight, or maybe when Summer finally gets here?

What about now? Why are we looking to the future for our happiness? If we always focus on the future, we miss today. We miss right now.

We think we will be happy when something happens, but it's an illusion. True happiness comes from within.

In our culture, we confuse Happiness with Pleasure. In seeking happiness we acquire things that bring us pleasure.

We see this every day. Look around. Watch TV. Check out the shopping networks or the diet ads. Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream hoping to feel better?

Drugs and alcohol are common sources of happiness seeking black holes.

Have you ever had a craving? Perhaps it's simply a confused synapse in your inner-self asking you to pay attention. The real craving isn't for the cigarette, drink, hit, ice cream, etc. The real craving is for happiness.

There is only one place to find that. Happiness is on the inside. Happiness is in your mind and in your heart. Not your organ, but the heart of your soul. It may be hard to imagine, but happiness is a choice.

I've heard girls tell me "I want to be happy. It can't possibly be a choice or I'd choose it. Bad stuff always happens to me."

They feel stuck. Stuck in a world without any control, without a map. They seek happiness and find boys or men who tell them what they think they want to hear. They have no meter that measures truth or respect. These girls were never taught that only they can define what they deserve.

My goal is to offer young women tools and training to find happiness from within. It's okay to seek pleasure as long as you understand that's what you are doing. Buy a new dress because you want a new dress, not because you feel bad and shopping makes you feel better.

Girls need a "Self Respect Meter". A tool that measures all aspects of their lives against a personal set of standards that she sets for herself. Point that meter at a guy and check to see if he qualifies to take her to the dance. Point that meter at a job or potential boss and see if they qualify to employ her. Will she move toward her goals with this in her life?

Well technology hasn't brought us there yet, but we can start with a decision making model. I recommend the book "Yes or No" by Spencer Johnson, MD. In it he tells a story that presents a formula for decision making. It's very simple. It's very valuable.

The first decision you can make right now is to find something, anything around you that you love. Be happy with it right now in this moment. You may be feeling so stuck that you cannot see anything that fits that bill. If so, let's practice by closing your eyes and remembering something that you love. Make it bigger, make it louder, more colorful. Now, feel that love. However brief you may have held that feeling, you chose it. You can choose it again. And again. It takes time and practice. After all, it took practice to feel bad. You had to learn it. You had to input negative data on a regular basis. You see, you were born perfect. You were born happy. What you may have missed is that you are still perfect right now.

May there be peace within you today.

May you trust God that you are

exactly where you are meant to be.

I look forward to your comments and posts. I thank you all for your kind emails and notes. Please continue to share this link with others and help me find girls all over the world. Thank you.

Heather Olson