Is Happiness What You Expect?

Hello Everyone. Happy Easter and Spring Solstice to you.

Today I have a guest writer. George Abney is one of our blog readers and he offers his thoughts here.

George, thank you so much for your thoughts and your willingness to share them with us.

Heather Olson
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Is Happiness What You Expect?

Expect little or nothing and you get... nothing. Expect everything or a lot and you get... it , maybe. An old jewish rube is "betta some than none." Some agree that happiness in any quanity is worth crowing about.

What is it that qualifies happiness?

Qualifications are the proof in the pudding that its really pudding instead of a mudpie. Often, people flail against circumstances that contain requirements at odds with the expectation of happiness.

For example, the romantic girl of any age who compulsively spends every dime on another gothic romance identical to the thousand she has already read but for the names of the characters and the clothing they may wear is happy every time she buys another gothic clone.

Happiness for this logo-lover rests between the covers of a book fully entrenched in a fantasy world that rarely takes the substance of a healthy diet, exercise and rapid therapy at a community mental health clinic. Another example of a distorted expectation of happiness is the lust of a father who dotes on his children as the means of securing yet another sports trophy in the home grove of idols.

This kind of person murders family relationships by using people for personal egoism and he uses love and approval as the hold-out in the emotional hold-up. Beware of the loving individual most willing to make you a sacrifice to their god.

Expectations are important. Reading and writing are also important. Its important to know that rational thinking is a SKILL no one is born with. It takes honesty and a tolerance for humility to engage the self discipline by which one learns constructive reasoning. Lots of dialog with other intelligent people is a start... along with the ability to endure the give and take in the exchange of opposing ideas and viewpoints.

A good argument is one that leaves everyone with something more than what they started with after the papers settle and the physical energy abates. The balance between feeling and thought compels growth in the person who wants to KNOW EXACTLY what to expect of happiness in the contest of life. Its just not the same for everyone and there is a specific reason WHY. Understanding the "Why" can enable a person as a coach of others in their quest for happiness. The Apostle Paul made the

remark that... "I have known both riches and poverty, but in all things I have learned to be content. Godliness with contentment is great gain."

If your life seems a little on the shy side of happiness, perhaps you need to consider the details in your expectations. Adjustments in these metrics can give you the power to move beyond the limitations you face toward a QUALITY lifestyle produced by deliberate choice and specific actions.

I like the radio program "Prairie Home Companion" that hales from Minnesota. The sign off remark of the host is ... "Be well. Do good work. Be happy." Happiness really is a choice.

Don't live life waiting on someone else to give it to you. Go get it for yourself. You are worth it.

George Abney

Put First Things First

Wow, and to think I planned to do this every couple of days! Guess it's a bit more than I thought.

I'm 42 years old and still faced daily with time management issues. I was raised with a mother that was born with that special gene. You know, the one that when you look at something it runs into it's place. The one that makes all organization look easy and even automatic. Her home is always clean, her laundry always under control. Dishes always done and all seemingly effortless. I still wonder how I was born without the actual gene, but with the desire for all things to be "just so".

Simple systems make managing anything easier. Time management systems are available on every bookstore shelf. I've tested several. I've purchased several.

Systems are worthless unless you use them. Mom washed underwear on Mondays, sheets on Tuesdays, etc. That system kept the laundry under control. I've tried that system and when I do it, it works. When I don't, it doesn't. Weird...

Well, I put some time into creating a time management system that meant something. I've seen several that meant something to me. I needed something that meant something to young women, to me, to my kids, to anyone. It had to be easy to use. I looked at many. Some worked for me, but not for others that I asked.

I took the best parts of each of them and put them together. The system is included in the book that's coming out this summer.

The point is to determine what is most important to you. Set meaningful goals for that outcome and schedule them first.

What tends to happen in our daily lives is we push aside the most important parts and schedule trivial tasks first. Eventually the most valued people in our lives begin to feel pushed away and reasonably so. The most important relationships become fragile and often broken.

Time with our children, spouses, parents, friends all of the biggies, get set aside to work a few more hours to pay for the big car or big house or extra cell phone lines.

What it all comes down to is bad habits. We are in the habit of believing that the house/car/etc are what's important. We don't value experiences anymore, we value stuff. We don't play games at the table after dinner, we watch cable. Can you imagine life without your TV?

Erik and I have been talking about turning off the cable. Ouch. I can come up with some really great excuses. All of them good ones, but none of them are good enough. None of them are more important than the precious time with our kids and each other. Sure the kids will be mad. But that will fade. If we force ourselves to address what's really important to us, we'll achieve what we are set out to achieve. Put First Things First.

If a strong relationship with my 10 yr old is important to me (and it is) then he must feel that he can talk to me now. If he has to wait until the commercial, then what happens when he needs to talk to me about drugs or sex or any of a number of things I haven't even thought of yet?

We are going to turn off our TVs and turn on our family. It's a start. A good start.

God Bless.

Heather Olson

I'll Be Happy When...

"May there be peace within you today.

May you trust God that you are

exactly where you are meant to be."
Anonymous

Have you ever noticed yourself saying "I'll be happy when..."? Perhaps when you get into that new house? Or when you get a new car? Perhaps when you lose weight, or maybe when Summer finally gets here?

What about now? Why are we looking to the future for our happiness? If we always focus on the future, we miss today. We miss right now.

We think we will be happy when something happens, but it's an illusion. True happiness comes from within.

In our culture, we confuse Happiness with Pleasure. In seeking happiness we acquire things that bring us pleasure.

We see this every day. Look around. Watch TV. Check out the shopping networks or the diet ads. Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream hoping to feel better?

Drugs and alcohol are common sources of happiness seeking black holes.

Have you ever had a craving? Perhaps it's simply a confused synapse in your inner-self asking you to pay attention. The real craving isn't for the cigarette, drink, hit, ice cream, etc. The real craving is for happiness.

There is only one place to find that. Happiness is on the inside. Happiness is in your mind and in your heart. Not your organ, but the heart of your soul. It may be hard to imagine, but happiness is a choice.

I've heard girls tell me "I want to be happy. It can't possibly be a choice or I'd choose it. Bad stuff always happens to me."

They feel stuck. Stuck in a world without any control, without a map. They seek happiness and find boys or men who tell them what they think they want to hear. They have no meter that measures truth or respect. These girls were never taught that only they can define what they deserve.

My goal is to offer young women tools and training to find happiness from within. It's okay to seek pleasure as long as you understand that's what you are doing. Buy a new dress because you want a new dress, not because you feel bad and shopping makes you feel better.

Girls need a "Self Respect Meter". A tool that measures all aspects of their lives against a personal set of standards that she sets for herself. Point that meter at a guy and check to see if he qualifies to take her to the dance. Point that meter at a job or potential boss and see if they qualify to employ her. Will she move toward her goals with this in her life?

Well technology hasn't brought us there yet, but we can start with a decision making model. I recommend the book "Yes or No" by Spencer Johnson, MD. In it he tells a story that presents a formula for decision making. It's very simple. It's very valuable.

The first decision you can make right now is to find something, anything around you that you love. Be happy with it right now in this moment. You may be feeling so stuck that you cannot see anything that fits that bill. If so, let's practice by closing your eyes and remembering something that you love. Make it bigger, make it louder, more colorful. Now, feel that love. However brief you may have held that feeling, you chose it. You can choose it again. And again. It takes time and practice. After all, it took practice to feel bad. You had to learn it. You had to input negative data on a regular basis. You see, you were born perfect. You were born happy. What you may have missed is that you are still perfect right now.

May there be peace within you today.

May you trust God that you are

exactly where you are meant to be.

I look forward to your comments and posts. I thank you all for your kind emails and notes. Please continue to share this link with others and help me find girls all over the world. Thank you.

Heather Olson

It's Just Hair! Right?

Well, I thought I'd begin sharing some thoughts on Personal Respect and delve into the world of personal empowerment. Do our daughters even know what respect is? Respect for others? Self Respect? How do our girls see themselves?

This would be a great topic... for another day because as of last night, my daughter sees herself with SIGNIFICANTLY shorter hair... again!

For those of you who have known our family for more than a couple of years, you may have thought that when Scout asked her brother to "bald" her at the age of 4 1/2, she would have learned. Wrong.

Yesterday afternoon Scout came downstairs saying she was sorry. (Never a good sign.) I looked up to find a somewhat ragged new do. Hmmm.

The last time she did this, I was profoundly unhappy. Angry even. It didn't help.

So I took a couple of deep breaths and said, "Wow."
It was all I could think of without sounding horribly judgmental.

She wanted to know if she was in trouble.
DING DING I think someone is looking for some attention here.
I told her "no, it's just hair." She said she wasn't happy with it so I said I'd take her to get it fixed up a bit in a couple of days.

I asked her if she wanted to know what it would be like to have short hair again or what it was like to cut hair. She said she wanted to cut hair. Great, I said she could learn that, but let's practice on a doll or something like that. It was agreed...

So I thought.

After supper, we allow 30-60 minutes of TV or a movie a few nights per week. This was a TV night. After TV time, the kiddos go take care of bedtime hygiene, jammie up and wait for prayers.

Up the stairs I go. Kiss, kiss, snuggle, pray and chat. A few giggles and tickles and lights out. Something's different. Yep, she's bald. Not completely bald, but nearly bald. NO HAIR BALD! (Deep Breath. It's just hair, It's just hair, It grows back, I don't care, really.)

Next come the tears. "Mommy, I don't like it! I look ridiculous. I can't face ANY of my friends! (she's a bit of a drama queen)

We calmly talked about it and she went to sleep thinking about buying a new hat.

So what? Well, I got to thinking. Clearly she is sending me a message. I still don't quite know what it is.

Perhaps, she is growing and in need of some new boundaries.

Perhaps, she is not getting enough Mommy Time.

My immediate response was not positive and I am so glad I was able to suppress it before I opened my mouth. After all, it's just hair.

Today she has had some feedback from her friends. Some good, some not so gentle.

She is holding the other end of the stick she picked up with those scissors.

Taking Personal Responsibility for her actions is a lesson that I cannot teach enough. It is a value that I hold extremely high and I find is very rare in young people as well as adults in our culture.

Today she cut her hair and someone said she looks like a boy. Bummer. She has to own that. Tomorrow (or in 10 years) she may decide to explore something more extreme. If she does not own responsibility for her behavior now, what will happen if she doesn't like the outcome then? What if it turns out badly?

With our young people exposed to sex, drugs and violence on a regular, daily basis, they see it as normal. It's not shocking or upsetting because it's all over television and in the lyrics to the music they hear.
Teens see that our public schools have daycare centers in the middle and high schools in order to keep their students with babies in school. So it's okay to have a baby when you are 14 years old. It's normal.

They see their mothers beat up by boyfriends and husbands. It's normal.

They see gangs running the streets and adults in fear of them. It's normal.

Normal doesn't exist anymore. I don't believe you can ever "Go Back", therefore we must go forward. Forward with a replacement for what we have today.

Our girls are the answer. We must prepare them for their PROFOUND responsibility. It is up to them to choose good mates. It is a biological fact of life that men need to breed to ensure the continuation of our species. They don't need to be quite so choosy. If they are strong enough to be chosen as a breeder, they win. It the way nature works.

Well it use to. Females in nature (I'm speaking of the animal kingdom) choose their mates based on strength and virility. Their mate must be able to care for his family, provide food and protection. She is ultimately responsible for the survival of her species.

Human women have messed this up. We choose losers. We choose any man that will say he loves us, or that we look pretty. If we continue this pattern, the human race is in deep trouble.

We must teach our girls that they are complete in and of themselves. They are not a show piece for some guy to display on his arm. HE IS THE ONE THAT MUST QUALIFY.

She needs to learn now how important her decisions are. She must pick up both ends of her sticks. We have the responsibility as parents to help her with the yucky end, but we cannot hold it for her.

Today she cut her hair off. Tomorrow, who knows. What I do know is that it is up to us to prepare her for whatever tomorrow my bring. If she knows that we love her no matter what, that she is worthy, smart and capable of anything she sets her mind to, if she understands that Self Respect, Self Confidence and Self Reliance are the foundation to her future, if she gets all that, I think she'll be okay.

I look forward to hearing from you. Please help me spread the word by subscribing and sending a link to this site to your friends and family.

Blessings,
Heather Olson

The Fun House Mirror Is Warped!

Look in the mirror. What do you see?

The mirror is simply a piece of glass. The reflexion in that glass is an illusion. What you see is affected by many factors; all of them imaginary.

You don't need a mirror to tell yourself what you see. You decided that before you looked. Your mind's eye is reflecting back the data that you entered. The data is run through preset filters in your mind. Filters created by you from your experiences to date.

• fat
• pretty
• acne
• old
• babyish
• ugly
• unworthy
• cool
• not cool
• smart
• dumb
• hot
• nerdy

The Fun House Mirror at the carnival was always fun. You could be tall, round, zig zagged, what ever. The reflexion was an illusion. The glass was warped.

When you make judgments from a false pretense, you get faulty outcomes. If the data entered is corrupt, the results are skewed.

The Fun House Mirror that my son is looking in these days is that of the Hip Hop artists. The illusion is that looking like a convict, a criminal is cool.

Nic is 10. He couldn't care less about his personal hygiene. His clothes can be clean or dirty, inside out or not, matching or clashing, backwards, forwards... you get the point.

Needless to say, I was surprised to hear that the Gangsta or Hip Hop look was so cool. Tattoos and piercings were awesome and that's the look he would be "going for".

You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, I thought this was a blog about girls." It is. That mirror is as pervasive to girls as it is boys. It hits adults as well as kids. We all look.

My husband asked Nic if he knew where this "cool" look came from. Of course the answer was no so Erik continued.

Shoes have no laces and pants have no belts because in prison you aren't allowed to wear them. Extremely baggy clothing won't show a concealed weapon hidden underneath. The reason these people look like criminals is they are dressed like criminals.

If your behavior and presentation is provocative, don't get mad if you provoke someone.

Wearing a mo hawk or inking up your body and piercing any part of you that protrudes enough to stick a needle through may be considered art to some. If I'm looking to hire an artist, I may consider them. If I'm looking to hire an attorney or an accountant, I'll more likely go for the khaki pants and button down collar.

Erik gave the following hypothetical example:

The police receive a call. There has been a robbery at the liquor store. Witnesses saw someone running away from the scene. He was young and wearing baggy clothes, plaid boxer shorts, (you could tell because his pants were falling down), a hooded sweatshirt and his cap was on backwards.

You are walking along minding your own business. You have the standard "cool" uniform on. Baggy jeans starting just below your behind, hooded sweatshirt, ball cap askew, and you walk with that very cool strut. All of a sudden from out of nowhere the police pull up to you with hands prepared to engage their guns. They tell you to hit the wall with your hands where they can see them. They cuff you immediately.

You, of course are way to "cool" to be treated like a common criminal and you know the language. You start with "Hey man, watz da matta?" and follow up with additional comments like you've heard from the quality programming on Court TV.

The policeman explains that there has been a robbery in the area and YOU FIT THE DESCRIPTION OF THE SUSPECT.

Now, let's mix it up a little. Instead of the standard issue convict garb, let's try the khakis and polo shirt combo. If the police even notice you, they may stop to ask if you saw anything.

The mirrors that we use to judge ourselves are simply display windows for others to make their first impressions.

We have all heard "You never get a second chance at a first impression".

It's not all about what others see. What do you see? What's the value that you place on yourself? What do you think you deserve in life?

When I see young girls with dirty hair and a generally unhealthy appearance, I see someone who thinks that's all that she deserves. Her self image came from a warped piece of glass. She started with faulty equipment, entered corrupt data and came away with despair and unworthiness.

With good tools and training on how to use them, our daughters (and our sons) can evaluate their data through clear lenses. Make decisions with purpose and achieve amazing results; the kind of results that they are proud of.

Please take a moment to post your comments and questions. I'd love to hear from you.

Heather Olson

Your Daughter Can Change the World

Your daughter, my daughter, that little girl down the street, any one of them, every one of them could change the world we live in.

Every day in this country and across the globe people fall in love. Boy meets girl, girl smiles at boy...

If it were that sweet. I am not completely cynical. I do believe in love. In fact, Love is the one thing in this worldly life that I am Certain of. I believe for the most part, we all mean well. I believe that when these perfect little babies join us in this world, they are gifts from God, miracles. Absolute proof of God's Love.

So what's my biff? I'll tell you.

I think Scout (our now 7 year old daughter) was 3 when she discovered her obsession for Barbie. Not just Barbie, but Princess Barbie. I grew up with Barbie, harmless I thought. The dolls became movies. Not just Barbie movies, but now we have Disney Princess movies. Disney, I say. What could be the harm in that? It's Disney after all. Who didn't grow up on Disney? So we are watching this innocent little show about a 16 year old girl who blatantly disobeys her father after giving him an extremely disrespectful piece of her mind. She then runs away to make a complete stranger kiss her and fall in love with her. Oh, this is great! Don't worry though, it has a happy ending. Our 16 year old princess finds her prince and GETS MARRIED!!!

What's the message here? The list goes on and on. Our daughters are told from the moment they can be parked in front of a tv, that they are not complete. They must be pretty, they must be perfect little princesses and they must find a man to make them happy.

It hasn't stopped. Scout is now 7 and her tastes have grown. Barbie and the Princesses are still very present in her life, but she has managed to make way for High School Musical's 1 and 2, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Bros, The Cheetah Girls... etc.

Keep in mind that Scout has never attended school outside of our home, her access to television is limited to less than 1 hour per day and all time on the internet is 100% monitored.

Society is everywhere. I have no intention of hiding it from her. I cannot protect her by pretending this world does not exist. I must PREPARE her.

I feel it only fair that I prepare the world for her as well. She's a firecracker!

I moved to Charleston, SC with my husband and children in November of 2005. The palm trees and blooming flowers were a shocking contrast to the icy, bitter cold of central Minnesota. The shock was minor compared to what I was to see in the coming months.

I was saddened. I was angry. Mostly, I was hopeful. I knew what I had to do.

Empowered For Life is a course created primarily for young girls 10 and up. It's a course that begins at the core of her very being and step by step explores tools for use in every day life that lead to personal mastery and grace. With absolute confidence in her ability to move through life as a complete and total human being, your daughter (niece, sister, friend, friend's daughter...you fill in the blank) can choose her path. She will be predator proof.

As we await the release of the book, I will continue to post here. Your email questions and comments are welcome.

Our website will be up soon and I will let you know just as soon as it goes live.

I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your interest in this program and your help in changing the world.

Heather Olson